What Wanting To Kill Yourself Actually Feels Like

This is one of the most vulnerable and important episodes I’ve ever shared.

In this episode, I speak honestly about suicidal thoughts — not to sensationalize them, but to explain what they actually feel like from the inside. When the thought “I want to kill myself” appears, it isn’t about wanting life to end. It’s about wanting the moment to stop — the pain, the chaos, the unbearable weight of right now.

I talk about what happens when the mind narrows, logic disappears, and illness takes over. What it feels like to cross that line believing you’re ending pain — not your life. And what comes after, when the episode breaks and clarity returns: the shock of surviving, and the realization of how temporary the moment truly was.

This episode also names an important truth: finding what we want to live for matters — but it is not the only thing people need to survive suicide. Insight alone doesn’t stop an episode. Love alone doesn’t quiet an illness. Meaning alone doesn’t always break through when the brain is in survival mode.

Surviving takes more than one thing. It takes support, treatment, preparation, and people who are willing to show up consistently — to hear us, to stay, and to remind us that we matter, even when we can’t feel it ourselves.

This episode is about moments versus lives.

About why the thought feels permanent and why the moment isn’t.

And about what it really takes to survive when our minds can’t be trusted.

If you’ve ever had these thoughts, or loved someone who has, this episode is for you.

You are not weak.

You are not broken.

And you are not alone.

There is always hope in the chaos.

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Support Resources

If this episode brought up anything difficult, you don’t have to handle it alone.

• United States: Call or text 988 — Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24/7)

• Crisis Text Line (U.S. & some other countries): Text HOME to 741741

• UK & ROI: Samaritans — 116 123 or samaritans.org

• Australia: Lifeline — 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au

• Canada: Talk Suicide — 1-833-456-4566 or talksuicide.ca

If you’re elsewhere, you can find local crisis lines at findahelpline.com.

If calling feels like too much, reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or support group can also help.

If you’re not in immediate crisis but still need support, consider:

• A therapist, psychiatrist, or primary care provider

• Peer support groups (NAMI, DBSA, or local community groups)

• Letting someone safe know that you’re struggling

Support doesn’t have to mean an emergency to be valid.

You deserve care, support, and time, especially during heavy moments.